Keeping Our Marriage Together
Yesterday my mom was going through her Christmas card list, and she told me how sad she felt because on it she found two couples who have divorced in the last year. I asked her if I knew them, and so she told me. They were both my age. With young children at home. Just like me.
So I’ve been thinking all day about marriage. I was thinking about the sheer importance of keeping my marriage together. A family can weather the storm of kids fighting amongst themselves. It can even survive frequent discord between a parent and a child. But it cannot flourish if the husband and wife are constantly at odds. And if divorce ensues, the family obviously sees its final break.*
Our marriage is the foundation of our family. All other relationships flow out of our marriage (literally & as a matter of priority), and when our marriage is doing well, a tsunami among other relationships within the family becomes a storm that might rock – but will not demolish – our family’s foundation. Thought it would be easy to look at my kids and think, ‘At least I’m doing well with them,’ I must prioritize my husband and our relationship if I expect to make it (with God’s help) through the ups and downs of life.
I seriously feel like I’ve done more things wrong than right so far, but maybe that’s what the first 6 years are all about. And I must stop here and say, “Thanks be to God!” for His amazing grace that covers a whole host of wrongs. I don’t know much, but I know that Jason & I are both growing and that we’re getting closer and better at being close. Jason always says that the best thing about our marriage is that we’re open to change. I think that best thing about our marriage is that we force ourselves to communicate openly about pretty much everything (yes – even sex, housework, and money!).
I think I’m going to write more on this subject in the days to come…so stay tuned!
In the meantime, what is the best thing about your marriage? What does your spouse think is the best thing?
*If you are reading this and have been through a divorce yourself, please know that I am not judging you, nor am I insensitive to the pain that I know you must have felt and still feel. It is only by God’s grace that I have had the model of married parents; it is only by God’s power through Christ living in me and in the heart of my husband that I write; it is only by the moment-by-moment strength of Christ as the days go by whereby I persist in being married. I know that I am still naive to much of the troubles that life can bring. It is with love and grace toward you, too, then that I write.
Forever Christmas
Welcome, dear December.
I know it’s tacky to leave your Christmas lights up all year-round (thank you to Gretchen Wilson for memorializing that for anyone who was so unenlightened – or should I say so terribly lightened all year). But – what about just the lights on my tree? I love my Christmas tree so much. I seriously want to keep it in our living room all year. Or at least all winter, while it’s so dark and so cold. I think it’s mostly the ambient light and sense of wonder it holds. Maybe it’s that it’s 9ft tall and barely fits in the vaulted ceiling part of our great room – it seems to fill the whole room. I’m not sure there’s anything that I love to see more when first get up, get home, or retire for the evening.
Anyone else feel the same? Want to help me try to start a trend?
Then it could be awhile winter, but forever Christmas.
Making Time to Blog
Hi friends!
Well, Happy Thanksgiving Recovery Week.
Right now I’m just sitting at my computer, staring intermittently between the WordPress screen and off into space. Both little boys are napping (at the same time – I know: miracle!). I’m trying to ignore the fact that my house is right now a complete disaster. I’m trying to ignore the half-unpacked suitcases from the Thanksgiving holiday on the floor in the laundry room. I’m trying to ignore the myriad boxes of Christmas decorations strewn throughout the living room and kitchen, ready to be put in their rightful places. I’m trying to ignore the Christmas gift lists that beckon.
I’m trying to push everything aside: I want to write. I need to share. I’m trying to blog.
I’m trying to find just a bit of blank space in my head – somewhere between the Christmas wish lists, Christmas baking lists, Christmas grocery lists, Christmas to-do lists – out of which to conjure up some creative juice from which to post something. Anything. Something that just might be helpful to someone else, or at least interesting. All of the ideas that seem to flow so easily during the day have now vanished in the tumult.
I guess the bottomline is that I want to blog more often than I do.
I know it’s somewhat a matter of priority. I know it’s easier in some seasons of life than in others. I know we’re all different and that some things will work for some of us that would be a complete failure for others. But maybe, in the spirit of sharing, you all have tricks to consistent blogging that I don’t know. I guess I just want to hear from you.
Is anyone with me? Does anyone else have the best intentions but struggle to make it happen? What do you do to make blogging a part – a natural extension – of your life?
Date Night Kid Swap
It’s Friday! You know what that means…well, maybe you don’t, so I’m going to tell you. It’s Date Night Kid Swap! This is the best thing that has happened to our dating life since we’ve had kids.
You should do it, too. If you don’t have kids yet, seriously log this away for future reference. It will change your life.
I first got the idea here.
This is how we do it (enter Montell Jordan with my favorite song in 7th grade):
- Get together 3-4 couple-friends with kids who all know / trust each other. This is the hardest of the how-tos. Think: family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, mommy-groups, church-groups, school-groups, etc. If you don’t have them, grow them by making it a point to introduce and build relationships among 4 couples with whom you’d like to kid swap.
- Pick a night that works for all families – weekends are usually best. We do Fridays 4:30-7pm.
- Each couple takes 1 Friday per month and “hosts” – watching all of the kids together, thereby earning the rest of the Fridays of the month as date nights!
- At drop-off, kids must be freshly diapered and already fed dinner. We also usually put our kids in pajamas. The hosts don’t put them to bed; we pick them up just in time to whisk them away to dreamland back in their own beds. It’s so much easier when they’re already “jammied.”
- Many of our seven kids in the swap are too young to watch videos. But, in the future I think we’ll develop an all-families approved video list to make it as easy as possible on the hosts.
- Whether or not you leave your babies (0-6mo) with the hosts is up to you and the hosts!
Bonus* One thing we’ve discovered by chance is that the time frame during our swap is happy hour at many local restaurants, coffeeshops, and pubs!
Probably the biggest benefit of all (and that’s a big one if it trumps free childcare) is that it makes us have a date. It’s not that we don’t want to have a date, it just costs money and energy to plan to do so if it’s not already built into our week. One night of chaos per month is well worth our 2-3 nights of sheer freedom.
So..well..what do you think? Revolutionary, right?! Maybe you’ve already been kid swapping…
Our Family Vision Statement
We have been blessed; now we want to go & be a blessing to others.
At church lately, our pastor has been teaching out of the very first book of the Bible, Genesis. It’s some of the oldest history recorded, occurring around 4000 years ago.
One of the main characters is Abram (later his name became Abraham), and he is considered to be one of the Bible’s great heroes, though he was far from perfect. But, if one thing Abram followed God. Abram was one of the people whom God chose to represent Himself to the peoples of the world all around him who didn’t believe in God. In Genesis chapter 12, God told Abram:
“Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.
2 “I will make you into a great nation,
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you.”
God wanted to show who He is, what kind of God He is, and how much He loves the people of the entire world. His idea was to do so by first blessing Abram, who would then turn and bless others. How cool is that!? – both for Abram and for all of the people of the world!
Some time ago, as my husband Jason & I talked and prayed about what we want our family to be about, we latched onto this same idea. Unofficially, we landed on the statement: God has blessed us; now we want to go & be a blessing to others. We also want to raise our kids to be a blessing to others. I love having a vision statement because it helps us be on the same page about decisions we make and where we’re headed as a family. Most of all, it helps us prioritize, saying “no” even to good things that might get in the way of the best things.
No-Sew Re-Upholstering Vinyl
My dear friend and neighbor, Christy, found a lovely little spearmint-colored vinyl footstool for me at a yard sale long ago. She bought it because “It fits perfectly in your basement!” And it does. She is so sweet – and proves to have more of an eye for design than she accredits to herself.
Well, a few months ago, I was so sad to find a crack in the vinyl! I’m almost positive that it was my own 18-month-old and his pretend chopsticks (which Christy also gave us, I might add) that were the culprit. Well, the crack grew. And then multiplied. I kept thinking I should just throw it out, but was racking my brain for a less terminal solution. And then…it came to me. Mod Podge! Mod Podge is one of my favorite solution to anything and everything. Fortunately, the cracks were only on the top of the footstool, so I:
Our New Piano!
I’m busy rearranging our basement today… much due to the arrival of our new friend:
Isn’t she a beaut!? She fits perfectly in our basement decor, too (a fact that it much more important to me than to the rest of our family). An old high school friend of mine gave her to us for free! And my dad hauled it 180 miles to our home for free! And our 3 strongest, manliest friends came over to help carry her in to her new place for free! I’m so blessed.
With such a talented, musical husband, a piano in our home was a [first world] need. I’ve wanted one for as long as I’ve been married to J. When instruments are left out in our home, they get played a lot – and not too shabbily, I might add. J taught himself to play piano after sitting next to his mom and watching her. I pray that the same thing will happen to at least a couple of my kids and that they’ll come to love music as much as their dad & I do. Already we’ve enjoyed sitting around it listening, singing, tinkering.
Just for kicks, here’s her current view of the rest of the basement:
As you can see, I still have lots of work to do. Also, please note Howard’s “fort” on the righthand side – made up of the perfect combination of blankets and our old-school TV trays – and the dead-looking Mr. Potato Head under it. I think I’m going to get going so I can resuscitate him…along with the rest of our disarrayed living room.
Happy Monday! What are you up to this week?
Jocie
Marriage: Feelings vs. Promise
Jason & I watched this little video recently of Tim Keller, John Piper, & Don Carson and there was so much good in it that I had to share it with you. Even if you wouldn’t call yourself a Christian or religious, I think you’d like this.
Sustaining the Covenant of Marital Love
My favorite things from the video (Watch it before you read my thoughts because they say it so much better than I do!):
- “In your many years of marriage, have you ever considered divorce?” “Divorce? Never! Murder? Often!”
- I found the concept that my husband will be married to at least 5 different versions of me over the course of our marriage to be so true! For better and for worse, I change. During my first year of motherhood, I was a very different person than the girl he married. I was very emotionally unsteady. I was physically exhausted. I felt spiritually abandoned and angry. I’m so glad he based our marriage at that time on his promise and not on his feelings!
What did you think?
I Live in a Comfortable World
I am not a history buff. But I’ve been thinking lately about 2 things which must have characterized most civilizations until our modern times (and which still often characterize our third world): regular fear for one’s life and regular concern for one’s daily needs. Relative peace in the western world, scientific and technological advances, and modern refrigeration have all but purged our modern society from these terrible fears.
Yet sometimes I wonder if those old-fashioned fears are really all that terrible in every way. To be reminded daily of the fragility of life is not to take it for granted. To be reminded daily of God’s faithful provisions is not to become arrogantly self-dependent. I get so stuffy sometimes. I think I’d be a better person if I had even just a small dose of those fears. Just think of how uniquely (and comfortably, I might add) we experience the [American] world today. A world in which we have the freedom, affluence, and time to drink our iced caramel macchiatos in our air-conditioned Starbuckses and talk authoritatively about poverty and social injustices!
I want to be the kind of person who is grateful for and mindful of the real fragility and dependency in which I live each day. I really believe that Jesus holds my molecules together (Colossians 1:17) and that each breath I breathe is borrowed air (Psalms 24:1).
I’d never heard someone pray before a meal like my friend Stacy. It changed me. Now, instead of a mostly thoughtless “God-bless-this-food-nourish-it-to-our-bodies,” I pray something more like this:
“Lord, thank You for this food. It reminds us of how good You are. I’ve never before had to worry about where my next meal was coming from. I’ve never before feared for my life because of war, famine, or terror. Give hope and help to our sisters and brothers who are right now fearing for those exact things. Amen.”
